By A Mom Moving On

I lost my baby at 21 weeks. We found out at our 20 week scan that our baby had fluid on the brain and Spina Bifida. She would never have walked and would have had a very sad – and not a very long life. We decided to end the pregnancy on April 10th, 2005. It is now one year on and I can say it has not been an easy year to get through, but I did it. My husband and I moved house, we enjoyed holidays with family and we have good, understanding friends.

This is my story of how I became the person I am today. I don’t need to tell you all the sadness and pain I went through, as this is all a normal part of losing a baby you so wanted to have. All the crying in the world will not bring my baby back and I am happy that my baby is free from pain and free from the cruel world in which we live.

I decided to go back to work six weeks after losing baby Holli. I knew she had gone to a better place and would have a better life in heaven. I tried very hard to get stuck in my work and not feel sad. As I work in childcare, it made it very difficult for me and after work I would come home very sad. I got to know many of the parents at the nursery and in talking with them, I found out that many parents had lost babies at 33 weeks, 14 weeks, and 12 weeks and so on. What I am trying to say is, all these people went on to have lovely healthy babies and I got to look after and care for them every day. The staff, parents and children all helped me through such a bad time in my life, as did my lovely husband and family.

I hope to try again for a baby of my own very soon even though I am very scared. I will do it and if it all were to go wrong again, I would try and try again until I get my baby.

I hope my story helps all the people like me who have had a bad experience in pregnancy. I hope you put it behind yourself one day. You won’t ever forget that lovely little baby and how much you wanted that child, but it was not meant to be. It’s very true what they say: “You only get one chance at this life; make it a good one.” Life has to go on. Mine has, and I want to give you hope that your’s will too.